by Kate Culligan, LMFT
Your spouse has just arrived home and now there is the typical tension in the air. Later a verbal fight begins over the usual topics, but something is different about tonight. Instead of threats of divorce, your spouse indicates clearly that a family lawyer will likely be consulted next week. Divorce is your new reality. Your heart begins to race and your mind is flooded with fear and anger. You ask yourself, “What happens now? What do I do? How can I protect myself? I never thought it would go quite this far.”
You know you need help and information as soon as possible. In your agitated state, you’re not sure about the difference between consulting a lawyer and retaining a lawyer. Consulting a lawyer involves gathering pertinent information and paying a professional fee to obtain legal advice. Retaining a lawyer to represent you in a divorce usually involves signing a specific legal agreement stating the details of the representation and paying a retainer to the chosen lawyer. There are many family lawyers from which to choose. First, choose your preferred method!
What method will you use? Anger and fear cause many people to immediately think of retaining a family lawyer with an aggressive reputation as a litigator. Now it’s war! If you do not let anger control your choice, your long-term best interests can help direct you on a rational path forward. You can opt for a lawyer who is a skilled negotiator. Both you and your lawyer can still be strong advocates. Often upon reflection, divorcing couples would at least like to maintain a civil relationship in public after the divorce is final. If you have children that you need to raise together, setting a tone of civil communication with your ex-spouse is imperative for successful co-parenting and the wellbeing of your children.
Many couples who decide they want to maintain privacy, de-escalate conflict, preserve assets, and actively negotiate a divorce agreement by discussing and choosing settlement options, choose Collaborative Divorce as the preferred method. Your first step is to consult with an established Collaborative family lawyer to learn about your options. Collaborative Divorce has been practiced since the early 1990s and exists in all 50 states and 25 countries. Yet, many Americans have never heard of it. It may be new to you, but Collaborative Divorce is 30 years old.
When you look for a Collaborative family lawyer, make sure that the lawyer has specific Collaborative Divorce training and significant experience over time with a fair number of cases. Your Collaborative lawyer will likely offer you the names of other Collaborative lawyers with whom your spouse may consult. Your individual lawyers will be your respective advocates and confidential advisors, and they will also assist each of you to discuss settlement options and reach an acceptable agreement. Sometimes financial specialists and mental health professionals will be part of the Collaborative team that will help you both reach an acceptable agreement and move into the next phase of your life. Your first step is consulting a Collaborative Family Lawyer!
Kate Culligan, a mental health professional for 30 years, has been a Coach and Facilitator on Collaborative Divorce teams since 2005 and has assisted more than 100 couples to move successfully through the Collaborative process. She also maintains a private psychotherapy practice in Charlotte. For information, please contact her at 704-246-5775 or kculligantherapist@gmail.com