Talking With Your Spouse About Having a Collaborative Divorce
There is no right or easy way to begin a conversation about divorce. Once you and your spouse have had an initial conversation and decided that divorce is the path you are going to take, it’s important to then consider options for how you want to handle the divorce. This is an emotional time, so it is important to be patient and understanding. By following these ideas, you can have a productive conversation with your spouse about having a Collaborative divorce.
One way to start the discussion is to share with your spouse that you have researched how to divorce where everyone in the family ends up ok and that you found an option where you completely stay out of court. This process is called “Collaborative Divorce” and is a process that is approved by North Carolina law.
Once you have introduced the concept, the next step is to have a candid conversation with your spouse about what the process is, why it is beneficial for your family, and how to move forward. Consider the following outline of topics to explore in one or several conversations with your spouse:
What is a Collaborative divorce? The key features of a Collaborative divorce are:
- Out-of-court process
- Each spouse is represented by their own Collaboratively-trained attorney who advocates for them without being adversarial
- Requires written commitment by both spouses to reach agreements on all issues related to divorce outside of the courtroom.
- Requires an honest and fully transparent disclosure of information and documents
- A neutral financial professional and mental health professional may be hired to support financial negotiations, development of a co-parenting plan, and to manage the inherent emotional challenges of conflict and communication issues throughout the process
- Meetings are private and confidential and the timeline is driven by the participants
- Settlement agreements are reached through mutual problem-solving and creative effort
- Overall expenses are far less than litigation
Why is a Collaborative divorce beneficial for our family?
- There’s less emotional and financial fallout than a litigated divorce where a judge makes a decision the parties have to live with
- Attorneys are specially trained and committed to this work. They have a mindset that promotes a healthy outcome for both spouses and their children and keeps their egos out of the negotiations
- The couple maintains all the control over the management of the process, the ultimate cost, and the timing of reaching agreements
- The couple is empowered with all the information, data, and documents needed to make decisions that are based on the needs, goals, and interests of the entire family instead of having decisions imposed on them
- Each spouse has a voice in the process. With the support of the team, the spouses work together to create a beneficial outcome and there’s an added benefit of enhanced communication skills and co-parenting abilities that remain in place long after the process is over
- There’s no public airing of dirty laundry and drama
- Spouses remain committed to the agreement they co-create during the process
- Resources are conserved for the future
How should we take the next steps to have a Collaborative divorce?
- Each spouse should have an independent one-on-one consultation with a Collaboratively-trained attorney to make an informed process choice. If one spouse has a consultation and the other spouse has not yet met with an attorney, it may be helpful to ask during the consultation for a list of attorneys with whom that attorney has worked in the past and completed Collaborative matters. Then the spouse who has not yet had a consultation can make an appointment with a Collaborative attorney.
- While it may seem counter-intuitive, Collaboratively-trained attorneys often work well together and have positive working relationships because they have each chosen to be specially trained in this divorce process and have committed to a healthy approach to their practice. It’s important to hire a Collaborative divorce attorney who shares your mindset about having a divorce process where the attorneys are working together to guide you through the process.
- If you do not meet with an attorney first, seek out a mental health professional or financial professional who has experience in Collaborative divorce and meet to discuss the ways the process may benefit your family.
- Review websites and resources such as the Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professional’s website https://charlottecollaborativedivorce.com and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals https://www.collaborativepractive.com to find videos, blogs, research, and other tools that give you more information about the process
- Envision and start to think about what is most important to you, what you need, and what your big picture goals are for the immediate future and long-term
- Assess and be realistic about your willingness to roll up your sleeves and work hard together to reach an agreement both of you can live with
- Consider how you want your children to experience the divorce
- Consider the reasons why a positive future relationship with your spouse is best for your family
- Have realistic expectations that divorce is never easy, but working with a team and avoiding a court battlefield will give you the best opportunity to responsibly divorce and have a healthy future
Irene King is the founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she is a Collaborative attorney, a certified mediator of family conflict, and works with clients to have the healthiest divorce transition possible. She has 18 years of experience and is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts peacefully and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.