Transitioning to the use of collaborative language is one of the hardest adjustments with which divorcing couples struggle, yet doing so is one of the most important aspects of healthy co-parenting and healthy uncoupling. While legal language has been widely used for many years, it is both a difficult and recommended change for professionals and individuals.
Terms such as the “kids’ time” versus “my time,” “your time,” “mom’s time,” or “dad’s time,” are widely used interchangeably, and yet the focus should always be on the children when a couple that is separating or divorcing is trying to co-parent their children. In addition, the terms “shared parenting” and “parenting time” are now much more accepted than “custody,” just like “spousal support” is more widely accepted over the term “alimony.” Transitioning to the use of more appropriate language is something we all struggle with, yet so many attorneys and financial neutrals often use old terminology depicting a legal and adversarial approach rather than a collaborative one. There is still a need for using legal language, where the binding legal documents are concerned, though in discussions with clients, warmer language helps to soften the conversation and often allows for more amicable settlement terms.
In 5-way or 6-way Collaborative Divorce meetings, it is important to set ground rules and those ground rules should incorporate more appropriate language. Additionally, it is important to help people set healthy boundaries when discussing the issues to be resolved, while also encouraging them to listen to the other person’s perspective. Oftentimes people regularly interrupt each other in meetings, and it is important to encourage open listening instead.
Healthy communication is key for divorcing and separating couples in the transition. Without the use of healthy language, couples often end up repeating the same conflicts and unhealthy patterns they engaged in throughout their marriage. As a divorce coach, my primary focus teaching couples to engage in productive settlement discussions, focus on a “getting to yes” approach of discussing interests rather than positions, and learn to allow both parties to be heard, respected, and feel settled with the outcome. Collaborative Divorce is a process of working together to allow the best outcomes for couples, individuals, and especially children of divorced parents. The more we focus on language that makes the children the primary focus and respect to the other person, the easier moving forward will be for everyone.
Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in Collaborative Divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has expanded her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.