All too often, clients will go “off the rails” temporarily during a Collaborative Divorce meeting. What matters most during these moments, is how the professionals in the room react to these more difficult client moments. As humans, when we are in a situation of conflict, our nervous systems often go into a “Fight or Flight” response pattern followed by a “Freeze” response if we feel helpless as to how to react or respond.
Client “moments” often create the atmosphere of “high conflict” even in the Collaborative Divorce process and we need to know how to respond, not react, and not end up in a “Freeze” response and rendered helpless.
As a divorce coach and therapist for many years, I have learned to expect moments of conflict, threats of litigation, and empty threats one party or the other will take, and especially moments revisited by the couple of wounds from their marriage that have yet to be resolved. Those situations are difficult, and navigating them as a team is vital. The role of the divorce coach is to lead the team through those difficult moments, allow the team to trust the “gut” of the divorce coach to allow the conflict, as it is often necessary to allow the couple to have closure and move forward. All too often there are things left unsaid by a separated couple and those issues tend to come out during our Collaborative Divorce meetings because they give the clients a safe space and forum to air their grievances with one another.
It is important that we not let these moments scare us. Fear can cause reactivity that will shut these moments down, but if that happens it stops the productivity of what those situations allow. The ability of clients to feel safe to express themselves and their frustrations during the Collaborative Divorce process is key to closure for all parties. It also allows us, as a team, to see the whole picture and staying calm during those moments is instrumental to the process.
A good divorce coach knows when to let these moments happen and when to call a “time out.” Trust within the team will allow for this flow and can be a turning point for the process to move forward to completion. Any Collaborative Divorce meeting without a skilled divorce coach has the risk of these situations derailing the process and can also leave the team members feeling depleted, exasperated, and unsure of what’s next. A full team makes all the difference in the world for these cases and the prebrief meeting and debrief meeting as integral parts to these 5- or 6-way meetings will always allow for the most potential for successful Collaborative Divorce cases and conclusions.
Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board-certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.