Separating couples oftentimes conflict with each other about parenting techniques and have different parenting styles. This conflict often gets in the way of healthy co-parenting and, in the end, only hurts the child they brought into the world. In addition, old wounds from the marriage continue to come out in the conflict, creating a hostile environment, as partners are often not able to move on and see each other as co-parents rather than ex-partners.
Communication difficulties are at the heart of separation and divorce. They are a primary reason people struggle in relationships and a reason they have conflict in the first place. Teaching healthy communication to couples as they go through the separation process is vitally imperative to allowing for healthy co-parenting going forward. Without addressing communication styles and teaching new skills, people have no way of changing the way they approach situations so that there can be a different outcome.
Most couples in conflict tend to blame, accuse, look for what the other person is doing wrong, and leave the receiver on the defensive trying to explain why they acted the ways that they did. This style of communication is not only unhealthy, it is also completely unproductive and leads to more conflict, not less. Instead, reminding people that they are in this process of working together as a team to raise healthy humans is key to helping them change this pattern. Using gentle reminders of their best moments with their child, reminding them that they were married and created this child together, and helping them see a way out of conflict to a better pattern is one of the most helpful ways we can coach a couple to success. Most of all, it also allows for much healthier children to grow into healthy adults, even when they come from a divorced family. Using techniques such as future visioning and helping parents see that they want to achieve as parents, including when they attend future events for the children, and that they will benefit from making decisions together, are some of the ways that we can improve these relationships going forward. Given that Collaborative Divorce is aimed at collaborative relationships, addressing new healthy patterns of communication will allow for a more collaborative journey going forward.
Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.